Need help! it's not fair...

Submitted by Matthew Bull on Mon, 10/24/2016 - 12:09

6 or 7 years ago I turned off child support on my ex-wife (by the court) because she was in and out of jail. After that neither of us had the children for 5 years. This year like in February she got the children back and in march I contacted her and started to see the children, she stated she didn't want child support, I could just help with what the children needed, and so I did, in the times I could (I live paycheck to paycheck). In September (6 months after), because a problem of religion (mine) she said she was going to take me for child support. Now they want me to pay 300+ dollars bi-weekly (800+ dollars a month) that I really can't afford. She gets help from the government, disability for one of my children and she quieted her job when she started living with her boyfriend (around February or March), I think this should be counted as her income because she purposely left her job to live off of her boyfriend's income. The case is going to court I really need legal representation to make sure she didn't lie about her income (if she really needed 800+ a month from me she should had done it 7 months ago when she got the kids back). I just want this case to be fair. Update: After having the children for a few hours in a MacDonald's, the were fitting on who wanted to lay their head on an arm rest in the car, the daughter ask for it first so I let her, my son started a tantrum I told him not to start with his tantrums, he's response to me was "you know why my mom yells at you on the phone because you can't do me like that" he went to his mom and told him I was mean to him and hurt his feelings, she called and she said she wants full custody she's going to have the power and I'm never going to see my children, my son is been having seizures for a while now, but she says is my fault because i hurt his feelings. I need help, I don't have the money to pay just like that but we can work a payment plan or something please I'm desperate, I don't think what she's doing if fair to me or the children.


Wed, 01/10/2018 - 21:15

Importantly, don't worry about the boyfriend or the mother. Do not respond to her negatively or her negativity. Keep all interests, focuses, responses, and even problems children-oriented. Be the bigger person and always watch what you say in person and on phone calls when speaking directly to the children and their mother. All state laws are different. 1.) To find out her income, according to state and local law file whats called a "discovery." On this discovery, you asking/documenting with the court that she provide all income (public aid, government assistance, check-stubs, 1099's, W-2s and whatever else you personally would know about mom) This would be the same for you as well so be careful. 2.) Your rights as a father never change but child custody schedules can as parents lives and situations changes. Unless you are an alcoholic, on drugs, or an abusive parent, I would not worry and I would not respond to her threats. Remain silent. Speak only on positively curing the children's needs. They need a father. One is going to teach them to be a prosperous adult and child of the highest. 3.) NEVER relay messages back and forth between you and the children from what the mother says or claims. ALWAYS tell them that YOU will contact their mother. Some of the most abusive things that occur during and after divorce are nasty and hateful words. It's true, you can't take back your words. Here is a little scenario to put it into perspective. You ex tells you that he never loved you. He tells you that he always fantasized about someone else during sex. He tells you he just felt sorry for you. Fast forward to three years later and he is begging for you back. Can you just forget the words he said three years prior? Even if he said he didn't mean them? Did they disappear from your brain? I didn't think so. It's vitally important to be mindful of your words for three big reasons: 1. You don't want to live your life with regrets. You may hate your ex now, but in a few years from now, you might find that you both have a mutual respect for each other because you love your children so much. The environment a child lives in during divorce is critical in their emotional development. You don't want to live with the guilt of being a bigger part of the problem. 2. You want to model good behavior. You know it's true -- actions speak louder than words. You can fool a toddler, but once a child can read, their minds can pick up on inconsistencies. Just ask any adult child of divorce how many broken promises they have endured. Don't tell junior you are going to buy him a helicopter unless you have plans on dropping a few million. Don't tell your kids their father is a idiot when you know good and well he isn't. Your kids will soon think you the fool. 3. You want people to remember you in a positive light. What if you died in a car accident tomorrow? Would the last words out of your mouth be about how much your ex sucks? Would the final thing your children hear from you is how their mother is a whore? Trust me, you DO NOT want to be that person. Wouldn't you rather leave words like this --- he was always so kind and gracious. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone. He was a role model for everyone. She radiated kindness. What legacy do you want to leave for your children?