I am a witness

Submitted by ttww on Mon, 07/12/2010 - 14:04

Your attention please!!

I work for an agency in which I encounter families in their homes. I have witnessed the emotional strain forced upon children by unilateral divorce and selfish behavior on the part of parents who view their children as the "divorce trophy" and a source of social assistance. I have witnessed many custodial parents who place undo pressure on their children in order to make the other parent look bad or abusive. I have witnessed the oppression of social assistance that occurs the moment anyone submits the paperwork. Once someone is dependent on "the system" it is extremely difficult to become self-sufficient. I have witnessed families, that are in the system, manipulate their own children in order to gain a mental health diagnosis. This is to assure that the social benefits will continue to be paid. We must make some changes, folks!

More to come on this topic.


Wed, 10/13/2010 - 19:02

Thank you for this post as it's refreshingly honest.

What is your opinion on mothers that have taken children away from their father so that they can recieve child support? And how the courts give them the right to do so?

Marriages fall apart for many reasons. Your comment states when mothers "take" their children away from their father. Our system is set up to favor mothers, not to mention that a good lawyer would tell his client that she can leave and take the children if she wants to. The problem is that children are used as trophies. The parent that has custody of the children qualifies for many forms of assistance while the parent that pays child support is lambasted. A parent is allowed to "take" their children away anytime they want if there is no formal custody agreement on paper signed by a judge. It has to do with selfishness on the parent's part, not taking into consideration that children need both parents.

My partner's marriage fell appart due mostly to her affairs. She even took their son when he was 4 to stay in hotel rooms with the other guy while claiming she had taken him to visit a female friend. The courts however want to hear none of it and say that my partner is "badmouthing" as an excuse to take more and more time away from him and his kids. My partner was also physically and emotionally abused throughout the relationship but was threatened with losing his kids every time he planned to leave her. The system is disgusting. His partner has also neglected his children by not providing regular meals and by ignoring them while playing video games all day, yet the court deems her the more qualified parent. No, it's because she's the one on welfare who refuses to keep a job.

CYS was involved in the case and did nothing, just as they did when I called them to help my sister who was abusing drugs at 16. My partner's oldest son called me one day at two in the afternoon and told me that he wasn't fed breakfast or lunch, that his baby brother was still in bed and that his mother was also still in bed. I called my partner and then he called his son and verified the situation, which I had already suspected due to things that he had been saying. CYS went to her house that very day sometime before the phone call and "left a card" on the door of the house. A warning that the caseworker would be back and she better suddenly straighten up. Of course when the caseworker went back the following day; she was awake. I feel confindent enough to say that had the card not been left, she would not have been. To make a long story short, while speaking with the caseworker she told me that everything was fine and she saw no signs of neglect. I told her I wanted to know if there was a green car in the driveway the first day that she went there and she wouldn't answer me. I told her I already knew that there was because of the phone call. CYS in my area = worthless.

CYS/CPS is going through some changes. There has been a movement to keep children in the home unless there is a serious safety threat. Even then, if a child is removed from the home, every effort is made to correct the safety threat and return the child. Foster care and Kinship care are seen as temporary fixes with a goal of returning home unless the parent(s) completely refuse to cooperate. A judge must be convinced that the parent(s) simply cannot meet physical/emotional needs of the child(ren) in order for a custody order to be signed. With that, CYS doesn't decide custody. They can only recommend to the judge. I can't answer for the individual caseworker involved. Just like with any job, there are good workers and ignorant ones. There are federal guidelines (CPSL), state guidelines (Juvenile Law), and local agency policies that must be considered in every case.

ttww - So basically she can not feed the kids as much as she wants and the kids will still be returned to her even if they prove it? Even though their father left her due to abuse, neglect and adultry? Bascially, if he would have kicked her out of the house they shared then he would have his kids now because he would have been the one in the marital home? It's ridiculous. She now lives somewhere else with a boyfriend that pays the rent and bills and who's own son stays with his parents every other weekend instead of with him. The kids used to spend a great deal of time with their grandparents and now they cannot. None of it makes any sense as the kids have been uprooted simply so she doesn't have to work (she quit her job during the custody battle). Because my partner does work, he's penalized by not being able to take care of his kids like he did before, and his oldest son cries when he knows he'll be leaving him.

That's about right, techgirl. I'm in a similar situation. My x had an affair and left. The problem is she left with the kids in tow. Since she is considered the "primary caregiver" I am ordered to pay through the nose (she has no job and receiving social assistance).

With the revolution that took place yesterday we have a new opportunity to make some changes in shared parenting. The time for demonizing and oppressing fathers must come to an end. Children need both parents. Fathers step up and be heard. Your children need you!

The "revolution" that took on Tuesday will have little impact on equal parenting.  There are far more items the "so-called" republicans / tea-baggers are concerned about.  Many just want Obama to fail (and are out to set that agenda and nothing else) - so they are so focused on that - including Mitch Mconnell, Eric Cantor, and "tan in the box" Boehner.  They want Obama out - they dont care about you.

Dont rely on the change for anything with equal parenting happening anytime soon.  But you can do you part be keeping active with your local representative and be presistant with changing the laws.